Wampum. Swag. Trinkets. They work for bargaining with savage races all over the world — and that includes the brutish, subhuman troglodytes that inhabit the creative and technical industries. Sure, these poor creatures always talk about wanting more money, but once they have enough for a sleep-cave, pizza, and a sufficiency of video games and Mountain Dew, any further increase in pay is simply used as a dick-measuring unit against other troglodytes.

No, what most bosses in these industries soon discover is that it is far more cost-effective to provide alternative units of penile comparison; glittery trinkets which not only cost less overall but provide additional benefit to the company.

Free snacks and caffeinated beverages keep the employees cheerfully on the premises working through lunch. Flashy crew jackets for those who put in unpaid overtime will have your grunts slaving far longer than equivalent pay would have, and they will wear them everywhere, giving you free advertising as well. And toys? You can never go wrong with toys.

And if you are truly Machiavellian; if your ability to manipulate underlings rivals that of a three-armed puppeteer, and you have no qualms about playing God with other people’s lives — then you can manipulate your support staff such that a constant miasma of desire permeates the workplace and no one ever wants to leave.

Sure, in the hands of lesser sociopaths this can occasionally lead to minor slip-ups, such as workplace shootings or marriage. But a truly experienced social engineer knows how to keep the pot constantly stirring, always approaching the boil but never actually permitting the ingredients to bubble over or bond together into unmanageable lumps.

Personally, I’ve never been good at actually being one of those types. But I’ve seen them in action, and I’ve enjoyed putting them in scripts.

That’s right.  I’m looking at you, Megatron.


Bob out.

(NOTE: Starting next week, 3MM will move to a Monday/Thursday update schedule rather than the original Tu/Th. If you preferred Tu/Th, this won’t affect you; but for the rest it will give a tidier spacing between updates.)